My life buoy
by LucifersBitch
Summary: Castiel is a high school boy who is struggling with various mental illnesses like depression, anorexia, panic attacks and so on, due to a traumatic experience in his past. When one day he helps his school's football captain out of an embarassing situation he finds himself falling for the boy named Dean Winchester.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! *waves* First of all thanks for your interest in my story.**

 **It's my first fanfic ever and I'm so nervous…**

 **Actually i have no idea were this story is headed to so it's development is gonna be a surprise for all of us I guess. Also I'm not sure if I'll write smut because as I said, first fanfic and smut is hella embarrassing.**

 **Secondly I have to put a trigger warning here. This story contains self-harm and various mental illnesses.**

 **short description:**

 **Castiel is a high school boy who is struggling with various mental illnesses like depression, anorexia, panic attacks and so on, due to a traumatic experience in his past. When one day he helps his school's football captain out of an embarassing situation he finds himself falling for the boy named Dean Winchester.**

 **I assume by now you should have already noticed but as a precaution I'll write it out.**

 **THIS IS YAOI / MALEXMALE / GAY-LOVE-STORY. DON'T LIKE THAT? DON'T READ IT.**

 **Please leave rewievs so I know that I'm not writing this story for nothing also I'd love to know what you think of the story.**

 **Just one small request. If you do write a review, please be respectful and do not insult anyone here. I'll gladly accept critique but I won't tolerate intellectually undemanding affronts.**

 **I think for now that's all.**

 **See ya at the end and please enjoy 3**

 **My life buoy**

chapter 1

He watched the red trickle down his arm. There was boredom in his eyes. These blue orbs had seen it so many times already; the blood painting delicate lines as gravity drew it alongside his forearm, but still he could't free his gaze. As his eyes were chained to the crimson tears, his mind began to drift off. How much longer was he able to put up with this? When would finally be the day that he dragged the blade across his wrist one last time, deep enough to end it all? Would it be soon? He didn't know. He didn't even know, why he hadn't done it yet. Maybe he was scared. Maybe there was one last part of his soul, there at the very back of his being, that still had a glimmer of hope in it. He just didn't know. Not that he cared. By now he was just waiting. Waiting for the day he could build up all his courage, for the day even this last, tiny part of his soul would give up and he would pick up the shimmering pice of metal one final time to tear his skin open for the life to escape his body.  
Suddenly he snapped back to reality. Why?

"Cassy! I'm back!" Right. His brother had called him. The boy sighed, slowly got to his feet and waited for the colourful flickering to leave his field of vision. As the black tiles of the bathroom floor were clearly visible again, he took one last glance at his forearm, turned on the water to wash away any evidence of the cutting, weren't it for the thin, red lines decorating his wrist That gave him away. He put a band aid over the cuts, just to be sure the bleeding didn't start again and reveal his secret. Then he pulled the sleeve of his sweater half way over his hands and left the bathroom to welcome his brother.

"Hey Gabriel. You're early today.", the boy stated as he made his way downstairs. A fake smile plastered on his face as usual. He couldn't let his brother know now, could he? Gabriel might be a big bag of dicks sometimes but he still was his brother and the boy loved him. Maybe he's the reason I haven't pulled my plug yet, Cassy thought. I just couldn't cause him the pain of losing yet another part of his already so very diminished family. As the brown haired man replied, he jolted his little brother out of his thoughts for the second time.

"Yeah I was able to leave two hours earlier today. And of course I rushed home. Just for you, so you wouldn't have to be home alone any longer." As usual he lifted his hand to ruffle through Cassy's hair. The boy tried to dodge the hostile prank but he failed miserably. Just like every other day. It was kind of a ritual by now and he didn't mind it. Quite the contrary actually. He would have missed it if Gabriel hadn't pulled this little joke on him on a daily basis.

"Don't treat me like a kid. I'm very well capable of taking care of myself." At that he heard a quiet purring sound followed by a small, fluffy creature nuzzling his leg. "And of course little Sammy. I can take care of him as well." The blue eyed boy bent down to caress the kitten. He had a bit of a bad conscience at the thought of what he had done just a few minutes ago but he pushed the thought aside.

"So, ready for our Pirates of the Caribbean-marathon-movie night?" Gabriel asked with a huge grin on his face. The other forced a laugh "Of course! I've been excited all day! Now hurry up and start them." He was very impressed by his own acting skills. Just fascinating how good he had gotten at that. The two brothers raced to the couch and threw themselves onto it. This too was a ritual. They had a few of them. It was what held them together. The shattered pieces that were left of their souls. Memories they had to keep alive. Sometimes, it even felt like everything was still okay. As if they just had to call out for their youngest brother and he would shout an answer from his room, like always. As if they just had to pick up their phone, dial the number they had down cold and he would answer with "Heyo, lil bro!", like always. As if they had to just turn around and their mother would flash them a smile from the kitchen. As if they just had to wake up from a nightmare, open their eyes and the world would be idyllic. Of course it was only their mind playing a trick on them. A short high followed by an even deeper low of their feelings. But the high was addicting. If the illusion would be upright for just a moment it was worth it. That's why they daren't let go of their rituals. They just couldn't.

And that way they spent the night. Gabriel half laying, half sitting against the armrest, Cassy with his head on his brothers lap. And if he closed his eyes, he could almost feel their mother caressing his legs, sitting on the other end of the couch and his younger brothers soft locks gliding through his fingers while ruffling the brown down as the other sat on the floor, leaning against Gabriel's legs while the oldest strolled around the kitchen, whining about how they were so boring, staying home all night watching Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom making out on screen.

Almost.

-X-

One more time he heard the sharp ringing that signalled the end of yet another period and the boy decided that he had stayed long enough in the library. He packed his books and pencils neatly into his bag, wished the librarian a good evening and left the room. As he was about to make his way down the corridor, he heard someone calling out a "Hey, you!" and usually the boy wouldn't feel addressed to but it was already 8 p.m. and except for him the hallways seemed empty, so he turned around. The view that came to his field of sight was definitely not what he had expected. Actually, it was a view no one would ever expect. There was the captain of their school's football team, school celebrity and hot as fuck, model-face, cute ass Dean Winchester, kneeling in front of a vending machine with his arm all the way up it. What the hell? " Could you.. maybe help me? … I'm kinda stuck here." The boy walked into the others direction. "Uh.. how…did.. I mean.. why..?" He didn't quite know what to say but it wasn't hard for the football captain to guess what the blue eyed boy wanted to say. "My Snickers got stuck and I tried to get it out. But… my shirt kinda … I don't know its tangled up with the machine in the back or something.. I dunno. Would ya mind untangling it?" Cassy just stood there and couldn't believe what he was witnessing just now. This had to be a joke or prank or dream or.. I don't know but .. reality.. no way. "Uhm… please?" The boy realised he hadn't moved an inch, was just standing there, staring at the kneeling Dean in front of him and how dumb he must look.

"Oh yeah, sorry." Cassy got behind Dean to examine the supposedly tangled up sweater and the clothing had truly wrapped around a loose screw. With skilled digits he freed the damsel in distress. "Oh thanks man. Ya really saved me here. I owe ya." Dean flashed a stunning smile and got up to reach Cassy his hand and help him up. He then unwrapped the acquired Snickers and happily took a bite. The green eyed hottie looked at the blue eyed next to him and then at his candy bar. Oh how could he be so impolite? The guy just saved him from an uncomfortable night at school, stuck in a vending machine and he made his saviour watch him eating the Snickers that got him into the situation. "Oh, Sorry! Want a bite?", He offered and practically shoved the candy bar in the others mouth (no pun intended. I promise./grin/) who surprisedly bit off a piece. "I'm Dean by the way." "Yes, I am aware of that fact." Cassy answered as he had swallowed. "Really?" The brown haired guy seemed to be a weezy bit strange as it was. "Who doesn't?You're a school celebrity." With that he raised his gaze for the first time to meet Dean's and the dirty blond boy had to admit that he just saw the stars being reflected in these bluest orbs to ever exist. "..oh ehm, yeah I guess." Embarrassed by the boy kind of invading his personal space, he lifted his arm to scratch his neck. "And.. care to enlighten me with yours?"

"Castiel." The other simply stated. "Okay." Dean didn't quite know how to reply to that and assumed Castiel had no interest in keeping this conversation going. "Well, Cas. Thanks again for saving me, I better get going now. See ya!" With that he made his way past the now shocked boy. Did he just call me.. Cas? What was it with these popular people? They did as they pleased and wouldn't even think about others. As for Castiel he felt strange with the nickname. Not that it mattered. They would probably never talk to each other again.

-X-

This evening Castiel laid in his bed, tossed and turned and couldn't find his way into the land of dreams. Every time he closed his eyes, these shimmering, green orbs would appear in front of him and make his heart flutter. No. This can't be. I can't develop a crush on Dean Winchester. He's out of your league. He wouldn't have ever noticed you if you hadn't been the only one in sight to help him. Someone like you would never be enough for someone like him. You wouldn't be ever enough for anyone. Forget him. HE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

To shut his brain up Castiel decided to turn on the TV. The machine illuminated the room with a eerie blue but for the boy the noise was such a relief. Within the next hour he drifted off and finally fell asleep.

_ -X- _

 **Okay, wow. Well as for now that's it. I hope you liked the story at least a teensy weensy bit so far and I also hope to see you again next chapter. Speaking of! Unfortunately I can't define explicit updating dead-lines due to an extremely busy and stressful private life. But I can promise to do my best and continue the story at any given time.**

 **This said I wish you a good morning/day/evening/whatever else. Take care. Till next time, lovelies!**


	2. Chapter 2

My life buoy_2

 **So here's chapter 2! I'm sorry it took me longer than expected but from now on I should have more time to write and I already started chapter 3 so it'll probably be out next week. Please enjoy and leave a review.**

 **My life buoy**

chapter 2

People shoved each other against the lockers as they made their way through the crowded hallways. Castiel tried hard dodging all the elbows and knees which were unwittingly thrown in his direction. Whispering one sorry after the other he fought his way through the screaming, laughing and happily chatting crowd, avoiding the center and keeping closer to the sides where it was a little bit peacefuller. A tall, brown haired guy took a step backwards and slammed into Castiel who in turn slammed into a locker. That knocked the air out of him. Blurry images. Blue. Darkness. Someone pulling at his arm. He closed his eyes as the memories broke through. His heart began to race. He had to calm himself. Leaning against the locker Castiel let it happen as gravity embraced him. Noises were dull. This beeping sound. He couldn't breathe. Someone kneeled next to him. Gabriel. His brothers face suddenly changed into a strangers. The boy who ran into him. His lips moved. What did he say? Castiel couldn't understand a single word. The beeping sound was too loud. "..uo okay? W..at'.. w..ong?" Calm down. It's okay. Breathe. Block everything out. He closed his eyes once more. Concentrate. 1,2,3. Breathe in. Slowly. 1…2…3. Hold. 1,2,3. Breathe out. Hold. Again. 1,2,3. Breathe in. Slowly. 1…2…3. The panic began to fade and he stood up. His heartbeat slowed down. The tall, brown haired boy looked at him. Concern in his eyes. "It's okay. I'm fine." Castiel chuntered and passed him. His vision started blurring again. Keep calm. Keep going. Block everything else out. One foot in front of the other. One step after the other. Keep going. He could already see his destination. The library. His save haven. 10 more steps. 9. 8. Keep going. 7. 6. You can do it. It's okay. You're doing great. 5. 4. Suddenly everything stood still. It was quiet. At least for Castiel it was. The only thing he heard was this voice. The one specific voice that made his legs shaky. The one voice that brought the butterflies in his stomach to live. And more importantly, the one voice that called out his name - or rather nickname. The voice that belonged to Dean Winchester. Blue eyes beheld sparkling green ones that had taken them under their spell the first time they had caught view of them and the unwittingly sexy smirk brought colour to Castiels cheeks. Once again his heart began to race but this time not due to a panic attack.

"Hey Cas. Where ya headed to? Wanna grab a bite with us?" The dirty blond boy didn't even await an answer as he threw an arm over the shocked boys shoulder as a friendly manner. Castiel could feel the warmth coming from the others body, flowing through him straight to his head. As he lifted his gaze he saw five people staring at them. One of them, a girl with short, red hair waved at him and babbled a quick 'hi there'.

The blue eyed boy thought the words he just had heard over and realised what Dean had said. "Wait, wha..?" but the other already started dragging him towards the canteen, his friends following. As he did that, he pointed at the red head. "That's my friend Charly. She's a real nerd and if ya know anything about Star Wars or so, she'll consider ya her new bestie." He laughed at that and Charly gently boxed him on the shoulder. "These guys are Kev, Garth, Ash and Jo" He introduced the four others who smiled at Castiel. Dean seemingly liked to provide people with nicknames. "Uhm..hi..", Cas stuttered. He was feeling so uncomfortable and hot and unable to cope with this. On one side there was Dean embracing him..well…kind of… and - he couldn't lie - it felt awesome. But on the other hand all these people. Were they expecting him to say something? What was the usual etiquette in a situation like this? His heart picked up speed again. Oh shit. This couldn't be happening now. Not in front of Dean. He'd think of Cas as a total freak. Images started to blurr again. No. Please. No. Why did this have to happen to him? His eyes started to water. It was always him. Well, of course it was. He deserved it. Who was he trying to fool? He deserved it more than anyone else. He knew that. He had always known. But that didn't mean it was easy to accept. It sure as hell wasn't. Fingers were craving. Craving to guide a small piece of shiny silver across skin. He could feel the darkness engulf him. First his feet. Calves. Knees. Black creeping up his thighs sucking up every single cell of his being. Reaching the hips. Over his stomach. Higher and higher. Always higher. He needed to cut. Needed release. How could he get away? Think of an escape. Think. A toilet? His waist felt so cold. Not a single one in sight. An empty self-study room? A shiver ran down his spine. They were all occupied. He had to get away. Lost feeling in the fingers. Cold hands. Shaking arms. Escape. There had to be one. Think. THINK. It was so hard. He couldn't concentrate. "Cas?"

A mellifluent voice as deep as the ocean ripped him out of the depths of his mind. Saved him from drowning in the bottomless sea of his dark thoughts. The blackness began to vanish. Right. He still was in Deans arms. Kind of. His vision cleared. Eyes dried. He focused on the well defined, muscular arm thrown over his lank shoulder that guided him through the lively mess of people. Dean's dominant aura and his status kept the other students at some distance. Castiel felt protected next to the football captain. Coldness turned into comforting warmth and Cas turned his head to look in Deans eyes. As the boy stared into the sparkling green orbs his heart calmed. It even dared to skip a beat. A quiet 'what' escaped his dry throat.

"Ya good, bud? Yar kinda pale." Dean's expression was full of worry. "Uh yeah." And surprisingly he wasn't lying. For the first time in forever he answered this exact question without having to feel guilty for lying. Sure he wasn't feeling extraordinarily well and had had a panic attack a few seconds ago but he felt okay. And that was the closest he'd ever believed he could get to feeling well. Still, Dean didn't look quite convinced but he said nothing more.

They reached the canteen and approached the usual table of Dean and his squad. Jo, Ash and Garth deployed to greet a few friends they had spotted and to get their meal from the buffet. As they were seated, Kev suddenly turned to Castiel. Cas was apparently sitting stiffly next to Dean who by now had removed his arm from the other boys shoulder. "Aren't we in the same french class?" Kevin expectantly looked at Cas whose hands started shivering. "Uhm I don't know. Yes, I mean… maybe? I mean.. I don't know ….ugh. I'm sorry." A frustrated sigh broke through. At that Kev began to laugh loudly and Dean and Charly joined in. "No need to be nervous. We won't eat you." ,the asian tried to calm him. "Oh my gosh, he's a cutie. Where did you find him?" The red head turned to Dean. "Well he kinda saved me yesterday. I stayed a little longer for training and wanted to get a snack afterwards but I got into a little… predicament and luckily Cas was still there." "A predicament?", Charly decided to dig deeper and this time Castiel found the courage to respond "He was stuck in a vending machine." Kevin and Charly looked at Cas as if he had just grown a second head, they turned to Dean and as soon as they realised it was the truth, they burst out laughing. "How could you tell them?! Yar ruining my reputation as the cool guy here!" Dean played hurt and at that even Cas' lips formed a small smile.  
"Heey, look at that! The angel IS able to smile!" Jo joked as she got back with two trays. "What happened?" She put one in front of Dean as Kevin answered "Turns out our prince charming here got stuck in a vending machine yesterday and Cas had to save him." Garth and Ash got back just in time to hear Kevin's announcement and joined Jo's bending over with laughter. "C'mon guys! It's not that funny." Dean whined but his friends' laughter just increased at his reaction. As they had calmed down Garth and Ash took a seat and the latter slid a second tray towards Castiel. The boy who had just started feeling comfortable stiffened again. Shit. They were expecting him to eat with them. He eyed the greasy burger and fries in front of him and got nauseous. No way he could eat something as disgusting as this. Instead he took the small apple from the trays upper right-hand corner and decided to just be contented with the fruit-dessert. But Dean did not seem to be pleased with that. "What's wrong?" Shit. "Uhm nothing. I just don't feel very hungry." "Then can I take it?" Kevin happily shoved his homemade lunchbox aside and reached for the tray across of him. "Yeah sure." Castiel answered reliefed. He seemed to be safe for now.  
"So how's training going? Isn't the big match with the Hell's Demons this Friday?" ,Garth suddenly changed the topic. "Yeah. It's a pretty strong Team but we've been training everyday since beginning of this month and we won't make it easy for them." Dean explained "Hey Cas, are ya goin to watch too?" The blue eyed boy choked. Did Dean really want him to watch? "Well, I wasn't planning to but if you want me to I'm sure I can make it." The football player's smile widened "Awesome!"

-X-

As lunchbreak was over, Cas had started to feel really comfortable in the group and they even decided to visit the match together with him to cheer for Dean. At the end of the day he still had this stupid grin on his face and couldn't do a thing against it. Dean Winchester was the best thing that had happened to him in years, Castiel thought as he lay in bed and caressed Sammys fur.

_-X-_

 **Kay that's it for now. Hope you liked it, leave reviews (pretty please?) and see you next time. Take care, lovelies**


	3. Chapter 3

My Life Buoy 3

"Now shut the fuck up, calm your titties and get your shit together!" Gabriels voice echoed through the house. But a muffled "Leave me alone" was all he got as a response. Gabe sighed. Why did his little brother overthink every little shit in his life? "You'd regret it if you stayed at home."  
"Maybe. But I won't get humiliated."  
"Castiel, they wouldn't do such a thing to you. They sounded like nice people as you told me about them."  
"But what if they just acted? What if they planned and schemed everything from the very beginning just to embarrass and hurt me? Why else would they have been nice to me? Why would the 'cool kids' wanna befriend a freak like me?"  
"Alright. I'm not having any of this shit." The older stood up from his younger brothers bed, ripped off the blanked and laid bare a convolved Castiel. The boy on the bed winced but Gabriel was merciless, grabbed his brothers arm and dragged him tho the bathroom where he started ripping off the clothes of Cassy's struggling body. "Oh my gosh, stop, Gabe! I'll do it alone! Aright?! I'll do it, but GET OUT!" With that Castiel shoved his smirking brother into the hallway and locked the bathroom door. Gabriel grinned very satisfied to himself but decided to inform his brother that he'd kick in the door if Castiel should try to hide in there. Just in case.

-X-

"Assbutt. I'll never forgive you if I have to go home with green jelly in my hair or something of that kind." Gabriel's car was standing in one of the very few empty parking lots in front of the school that he had found and now Castiel just stared out of the window and was too scared to get out. "Yes and I'll gladly tolerate you doing exactly that but could you get the fuck out now, please?" With one last sigh Castiel unfastened his seatbelt, grabbed the door handle and turned his head to give his brother his best puppy eyes. "No. Out." The puppy eyes became a fuck you gaze and with that Cassy finally opened the door and got out. Castiel barely had time to close it again as Gabriel hastily pulled out of the parking lot to make sure his brother didn't decide to hop back in. Said boy stared after the slowly shrinking car of his brother. As it had disappeared behind a big building, Castiel finally was able to turn around and make his way to the meeting point Charly had set.

The redhead had was already there waiting with the other four. Cas walked up to them and as soon as Charly laid an eye on him a big grin took over her face. "Hey Angel!" She greeted him. Castiel was so nervous his hands started shaking but he tried to hide it by clenching onto his shoulder-bag. The boy forced a smile and excused himself for his late appearance but the others brushed it off, smiling at the brown haired boy. "Well, I think we're all, aren't we? Let's go and find our seats." Garth suggested. "Sounds good. I'm sure Dean got us front row seats again!" Charly enthusiastically added as she hooked arms with Jo and Cas. Said boy was taken aback by the fact that they hadn't pranked him and made fun of for thinking that they would spend time with a freak. Just the opposite, that everyone still was so friendly and Charly even hooked arms with him. How could that be? How could they like Castiel? HE WAS A FUCKING FREAK!  
Lost in his thoughts Cas didn't notice that the group had already made it to their destined seats. "So.." Charly wo had taken the seat next to Cas stared "have you ever watched a football game?" The boy didn't even have to think "No, never."  
"Really? But you do know the rules, right?" but again Castiel had to disappoint her. "Oh boy… Well i guess I gotta give you a crash-course. First of all, time of play is 60 minutes, divided into four fifteen-minute segments called quarters. Yes, I know: you've never heard of a football game that lasted only an hour. That's because these guys take more time-outs than an average pre-schooler. Then there are extra points. After a touchdown is scored, the scoring team has an opportunity to score additional points by either kicking the ball between the goal posts in the end zone or throwing or carrying the ball into the en…" Castiel tried to take in as much as possible and remember everything Charly taught him about the rules but damn that girl talked fast and much, so it was hard to keep up. ".and yeah, that's about it. Did ya get evrythin'?"  
"U-uhm.. yeah. I did. I guess.", the poor boy stuttered. "Goodie, because it's about to start!" Charly flashed the boy a last smile and turned to the field to watch the teams marching onto it.  
All in all Cas couldn't quite concentrate on the game. Mostly he just kept looking out for Dean and watched him. I mean… who cares for a strange egg-ball-thigy when you can watch the hottest guy in the whole universe?  
A strange sound suddenly snapped Castiel out of his mind and everyone around him jumping out drew his attention away from Dean Winchester. A short look to the big screen on the opposite side of the field explained the cheering. The game was over and the score was 35 - 30. Hell's Demons lost and the Bloody Hunters won. Apparently the heroic football captain Dean Winchester had led his team to a great victory. Suddenly someone pulled Castiel up and almost crushed him with a hug. Red hair affected his sight. "Yaaay I knew it! I knew it! We won!" The girl pulled back and added "Looks like we're gonna go out drinkin tonight." Blue eyes widened. Drinking? As in drinking alcohol? Heavens no! That's not gonna happen!

-X-

And there he was. Sitting in a bar called 'The Roadhouse'. Most of the people around him he didn't even know. There were about 50 of them. If not more. He knew six of them. I mean, some of the others he had seen once or twice in the hallways of his school but that was about it. Under normal circumstances the whole evening should have been like torture to him.

A small room, thick air from all the cigarettes and people. So much noise. It was hot. And there was barely any space to move. What made things worse was that 95% of the others were drunk. Usually Cas couldn't get even close to alcoholic drinks or establishments where those are being sold. It brought up memories he rather not remember. But in this night Castiel didn't feel uncomfortable. Like… not at all. Surprisingly he wasn't even close to a panic attack. Everyone was nice to him, they included him into the chatting and asked about his opinions and comments on the discussed topics. For the first time in forever the smile on his face and his laughter were sincere. But the nice talk with other people of his age wasn't the only cause the blue eyed boy felt so happy and content. Another reason for his fulsome good mood was the warm thigh pressed against his. Not that Dean Winchester purposely sat so close. It was just unbelievably cramped with half of their high school in this small bar, but Castiel wasn't one to complain. Why Dean had such a calming and positive impact on him, the boy could only take guesses but it was a mystery to him.

Time went by and more and more people left.  
Around 2 in the morning only Dean, Cas, Kevin, Jo and a few others that the three didn't know were left. Castiel was about to empty his second bottle of beer as the bar owner, who apparently was Jo's mom and pretty close with Dean Winchester as he found out that night… kind of a 'like 2nd mother'-thing…, approached their table."Hey Ellen!" Dean greeted the woman with a big grin on his face "Hey Dean. We're about to lock up the place now." the woman told him. "Okay-dokay!", the football captain giggled. At that a few wrinkles found their way to Ellens forehead . "Oh boy, how much did you drink? I told you to take it easy."  
"I did take it easy!", the accused boy protested "I had about half the amount of beer that I usually drink!" But the blue eyed boy next to him had nothing of that and grinned "Yeah and you made it up with drinking whisky instead." Ellen sighed "Well, do you at least have a place to stay?"  
"I thought I could crash at your place again?" Dean tried his best to convince her with puppy eyes. "Sorry kiddo, Bobby threw out our old couch and the new one hasn't arrived yet. We have no place where you could sleep." Dean thought for a bit. "Why would throw one out their old couch when the new one hasn't arrived?" The woman next to him groaned "I have no damn idea, okay? Ask Bobby. So where you gonna stay? Cause you sure as hell ain't drivin." Dean smirked "I could always share a bed with Jo." Jealousy pierced through Castiel. Ellen smiled and leaned in as she gave him a dry: "Yeah try again tomorrow." At that Jo giggled. The green eyed boy looked at Cas. "Ey buddy you got some space for me?" Said boy was taken aback. "Wait, what?" Kevin sighed and explained "Yeah well I live in the dorm and from Monday to Friday no sleepovers allowed, so .. yeah, he can't stay with me." Dean shrugged his shoulders and nodded. Castiel didn't know if he should laugh or cry. On one hand Dean fucking Winchester in his house! But on the other hand… Dean fucking Winchester in his house?  
"Uhm well I guess you can crash at my place, yah…I'll just call Gabe so he can come and pick us up."  
"Are you serious? It's 2 in the morning! Don't you have a drivers license?" the blue eyed boy surprisedly asked. "Well of course I do. But I do not own a car."  
"You can take mine then. But careful with my Baby! It's an honour for you to drive her." Dean suggested. A wave of happiness washed over Castiel. After this evening he knew exactly how much the car meant to Dean who wouldn't even trust his own father with it. "Oh yeah. We can do that. I appreciate you trusting me with.. uh.. Baby.." "Awesome! Let's go then, Ellen wants to lock down the place." The drunk football captain enthusiastically announced as he jumped up.

-X-

The drive home was spent with Dean singing extremely loud and off key to ancient classic rock songs and Castiel laughing until he got a stomachache. Cas was so happy and content whenever he was with Dean. It felt just natural for him being with the blue eyed beauty.

The black impala was pulled into the driveway and turned off but the two boys inside of it didn't show any sign of planning on getting out. "Thank you." Castiel simply said as he turned to face Dean who in turn was confused by that. "Huh? What for?" "For inviting me. I had a great day and really enjoyed myself. So thank you." With that Cas flashed the football hero a smile and got out of the car and locking it as the second boy had done the same.

-xXx-

 **AN**

 **Wow okay. First of all thanks to each and everyone of you for reading** ** _my life buoy_** **and waiting so patiently for this chapter, I really appreciate that. Hopefully you all liked chap 3 and the story so far, I'm doing my best here :).  
Then I really have to apologise. It's been over 2 months now, I think, since the last update. I know I'm a horrible author and person for doing that to you TToTT. Still I just couldn't find the time or energy to continue since the last few weeks of school before the holidays are always stressful and packed with tests, exams and deadlines for annoying projects. x_x That put a lot of pressure on me which led to personal problems and was also quite the opposite of a cure for my depression, so I hope you can understand that I wasn't able to continue the story and forgive me.  
Well, as always it would be great if you could leave reviews and tell me what you liked or disliked, what surprised you or what made you laugh or just anything else. If you don't want to leave a review maybe write me a personal message? That would also make me very happy.  
Anyhow I hope to see you all again next chapter, stay tuned.  
Yours, LB 3**


	4. Chapter 4

My Life Buoy 4

 **Castiel**

White foam found it's way through my slightly parted lips, dripping down my chin and into the sink I was bending over. Putting my elbows on the sides of the white ceramic bowl my head fell into my hands. I watched the toothbrush drop into the water filled sink with a dull clack. A few small bubbles ascended. Almost all of the white fluid escaped my mouth and painted white whirls with a few specks of red into the water below.

What have I done. I spent the night in a bar. And with that not enough. I drank fucking _alcohol_! Now I couldn't get the disgusting taste out of my mouth. I brushed my teeth five times already but I could still sense the bitterness over the minty toothpaste. Two damn bottles of beer. _TWO_. Not that I felt the least bit of them. A litre of beer was nothing. Especially for me as I had always been able to hold my liquor unnaturally well. But just like Gabe always said, that was a waste on me. After the accident I had sworn on my family's grave to never drink again. A vow to be broken this night. And with that not enough. I even dared to drive a car. I DROVE A MOTHERFUCKING CAR AFTER DRINKING ALCOHOL! The knuckles of my fists collided with my forehead as I sunk to the floor, ignoring the light pink droplets of toothpaste mixed with blood from my aggressive brushing that hit the black tiles. Nothing distinguished me from the monster that destroyed my life. I was a disgusting human being. My head turned to the glass shelf left to the sink. Happiness was the last thing I deserved. My legs straightened. The one feeling determined for me was pain. Internally my sick life already did a great job with raping me on a daily basis. Externally I had to help a little bit. Nothing easier than that. My fingers lifted the plastic razor off the translucent surface. I watched as the synthetical protection cover slid off the blue object to free the three tiny blades beneath. My body functioned on autopilot. It was always the same. After years of doing this it had become a routine, was second nature to me. I removed one blade, threw the razor with the remaining two blades back onto the shelf. One trembling leg set into the bathtub. My breathing picked up pace. Second leg. A shiver ran down my spine. The white ceramic was cold under the soles of my feet. It felt good. Familiar. Bottom and back connected with the algid surface, only protected by a thin layer of clothing. Thoughts were racing. Heart hammering wildly in my chest. A right hand moved to the left one's sleeve's hem. Pink scars decorated the exposed, light skin on my wrist. I had long lost count on how many they were. Not that it mattered. They could never be enough. The blade's corner connected with my skin. It was the sharpest part. For the deepest cuts. Another shiver diffused upon my whole body. Eyes closed as I dragged the shining piece of metal across my wrist. Slowly. One calm motion. Exhale. Freeing a breath that was being held, blue eyes slowly opened again. My heartbeat slowed down. Another cut. Faster this time. Not rushed. Just not as calm as before. A red tear escaped my skin, welcomed by gravity, drawn alongside the skin on my arm it finally hit the white surface of the tub beneath my shivering body. It felt so damn good. I greeted the pain like an old friend and continued to draw thin, red lines with my silver pen.

-X-

I lay in the bathtub, hands rested on it's sidewall. My eyes were closed and I was enjoying the silence of my blank mind as long as it lasted.  
Minutes went by and finally I decided to get up and clean myself as well as the blood stained tub. After wiping the blade clean and putting it back onto the plastic razor I slid the protection piece back on so Gabe wouldn't notice anything. He simply couldn't know.

Using the shower-head I rinsed the red drops down the drain. They raced each other, leaving nothing behind but pink, little trails until i washed them away as well.  
I left the clean bathroom and went to my room to finally sleep. It was late enough. Little Sammy joined me and his steady purring slowly led me into unusually deep sleep.

-X-

I slowly opened my eyes only to close them again as bright whiteness blinded me. For a second time I forced my eyes open and this time it wasn't as bad anymore. After heaving my stiff body over the edge of the bed, unsteady legs carried me to the bathroom where I washed my face with cold water. But that didn't help much. Suddenly my stomach outcried with a loud rumble signalling me that apparently I seemed to be hungry. No shit, Sherlock. Of course I was hungry, the only thing I ate yesterday was a slice of toast and an apple for breakfast. Ignoring the noise for now, I stumbled downstairs into the kitchen to get some cold water. After filling a glass, I took a sip and sighed. That was so good. I could practically feel the cold liquid running down my throat. I took a moment to eye up the green glass in my hands. It was thick but not very tall. Small cats chased colourful butterflies over a flower meadow. A smile formed on my lips. Grandpa brought six of them as we were kids. Every glass in a different colour. A blue one, a pink, orange, red and yellow one and of course the green one in my hands. By now only blue and green were left, as the others didn't survive long in a household with four children. Suddenly I zapped back to reality. There was a rustling noise.

Still a bit drowsy, I slowly walked over into the living room and saw the movement of the red blanket which hung over the armrest of our couch. Walking around it to see what caused this movement, I smiled as I noticed the brown tuft on the cushions. Seems like Luci has had one of his boozy sessions again. Automatically my hand found it's way into the soft locks to caress my brothers head. He groaned and leaned into the touch. My smile grew bigger. Usually he always turned away and tried to hide deeper under the blanket. "Time to get uuup ~", I purred in a hushed tone as always. The head underneath my hand slowly turned and revealed a face. Blue eyes met green. I flinched. My hand jerked back and stopped midair. "Good morning t'ya as well." Dean Winchester greeted me with a smile. Everything came back to me. The one night. The accident. The noise and sudden silence. The burning in my lungs. The cold. The pain. My eyes watered as memories crashed over me likes the waves of the lake back then. My mind snapped back to reality as a warm hand grabbed my wrist. "What's wrong? " I could see the worry in Dean's eyes. My mouth opened. Nothing came out. I was unable to answer. "Cas?" His tone was so soft. I could listen to him saying my name forever. It just sounded so perfect. As if the word was made for him and meant to roll only over his lips. "Yea, sorry I'm fine." My voice was rough and raspy. He didn't look very convinced with his eyebrows furrowed like this. "Just thought you were someone else.", I decided to add. At that Dean laughed "Ya brought me here yaself yesterday and covered me with that blanket. Who else would I be?!"  
"Yeah it's stupid. I just wasn't fully awake, sorry." I forced a fake smile and turned to go towards the kitchen. But his hand still held my wrist in a tight grip and didn't let go so I turned to face him again as a question left his mouth. "What is this?" His tone was serious now, unlike the joking and teasing sound his voice usually held. He lifted my hand, the inside of my wrist facing me. It was pretty clear what he meant. I had forgotten to cover them. Shit.

"Nothing." I pulled away and made my way over to the kitchen. "Would you like some breakfast? Bread, cereals, eggs, something else?" Dean didn't say anything, he just followed me and leaned against the doorframe. He looked at me and that made me nervous. "We also have tea, coffee, hot chocolate and orange juice." I was talking too fast and he didn't stop the staring. Okay. Dean wasn't the only one who could play the staring game, I thought and turned my head in his direction. I met his gaze. My eyes dropped to the floor. Yep, apparently he was the only one who could play this game.

"Cas." There was it again. This serious, worried tone. It didn't suit him but forced me to look at him again. "Do you hurt yourself?"

I faked a laugh. "What? No of course not. How sick does a person have to be to do something like that? I would never… What you saw was just my cat. Samandriel is pretty coltish and has the sharpest claws to ever exist." Dean folded his arms and looked on the floor.

"Don't lie to me, Cas." His voice was so quiet. Barely a whisper.

"What? I didn't lie to you, I told you tha…" I stopped. Green eyes bored into my soul. I couldn't stand that. It was like my whole being was laid bare to him. My gaze flew towards the stairs to make sure Gabe wasn't there. But he never got up before noon whenever he had a free day. I looked back at Dean and my voice was so cold as I spoke again.

"Okay, yeah. I hurt myself. So what? It's none of your fucking business. Do you want your damned breakfast now or not?"

"Oh Cas…" Dean sounded so sad and hurt.

"No. Leave it. I'm not gonna discuss this shit with you." I took another sip of my water, suddenly feeling very nauseous. But Dean didn't leave it. Could have guessed so much.

"I care about you, Cas." That was unexpected. Looking up, into his eyes my heartbeat picked up pace. I hated that he could do this to me with simple eye contact. "And doing that to you… You don't hurt only yourself. You cause the people around you even greater pain." My gaze dropped to the floor again. "That's why I hide it. You aren't supposed to know. No one is. Hey, how about we just pretend this didn't happen. Last week didn't happen. As soon as you leave we'll never talk to each other again. Sounds good to me." My glass was empty. Maybe I should refill it. Dean didn't say a word. He should just take my offer, leave and get rid of me. I felt weak. He discovered my secret. What if he told Gabe? It would break his heart. Shit. "Are you… are you gonna tell my brother?"

Dean thought for a moment. "Okay let's make a deal. I won't tell Gabe if you never hurt yourself - in any way - again." Haha. How pathetic. "Yeeeah,… not gonna happen. Dean, I never make promises I know I can't keep." He was taken aback and I looked at him. Seemingly the boy didn't quite know what to do. Of course. He just found out I self harmed and my personality changed 180 degrees in like 0.3 seconds. This situation had to be the most bizarre thing ever.

"Then… another offer. Whenever you feel like… doing this..", he slightly pointed at my hand "You call me."

I looked at him for a while and finally I sighed. This was so annoying.

"I guess I can do that. So you want breakfast now or not?"

-xXx-

Sooooouu that was chapter 4! Hope you liked it. I knew exactly what should happen in this one so it was kinda easy to write, I guess :) Actually I'm pretty happy with the story so far.  
But bad news are that I'm not quite sure on how to continue the story. I mean, of course I got a few ideas but haven't quite figured out how to get there, so yeah... Probably chapter 5 will take some time, sorry but don't expect an update too soon :/

Anyways thanks for reading - I'll do my best with what's to come next - take care, honeydrops,  
LB*


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys... Wow it's been like a year since I last updated.. I'm sooo sorry!  
It's just my beta quit due to personal issues and I couldn't update anymore bc of that. I just need someone to look over my grammar and vocab usage as well as someone to discuss ideas with...  
This gets me to the point of this 'update'.  
This is not the next chapter of the story, sorry guys, but a desperate last try to get a **beta for this story**. I looked through the forums of this website and messaged people but I haven't found a beta yet.  
I don't have any preferences or requirements when it comes to my beta except your grammar and vocabulary has to be good.  
If you want to beta this story, **please pn me**. I really want to continue this story and don't wanna leave it like that.  
take care sugarcubes, Yours,

LB*


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